My friend Bee had access to a preview copy of Match Point so we did a movie night in with hors d’oeuvres and key lime pie martinis. Thing is we shouldn’t have picked a Woody Allen movie turned thriller for our Friday night of mindless fun. Especially a Woody Allen movie that I hated just from its trailer alone.

And, wow, did I hate this movie after actually sitting through it. But I stuck through it to its incredulously uninteresting end. First off, are you kidding me with a fay Jonathan Rhys-Myers as the rakish tennis player? He and Scarlett Johansson had no chemistry whatsoever. “Why’s the gay guy having sex with that lady?” we kept asking the TV screen through the various “love” scenes. When they hooked up for the first time? Not. Hot. At. All. Watching them hook up the second, third, etc. time? Just plain weird. “Come on! He’s sooo gay!”

And Emily Mortimer as Jonathan’s beard, er, wife was just damn irritating. Always with the whining about wanting a baby and shouting out his name in her effort to locate him in her parents’ ginormous mansion. “CHRIS! CHRIS! WHERE ARE YOU? I don’t understand, he was just here. CHRIS? CHRIS!” If he isn’t answering you, he doesn’t want to be found! Her character was supposed to be sweet and innocent but rather she just came across as incredibly dumb.

Scarlett Johansson was annoying as fuck, too. What happened to her since Lost in Translation? I LOVED her in that movie and she was even pretty good in Girl With the Pearl Earring.

But, here? When her character first meets Chris, she overdoes the “I’m so sexy, you find me sexy don’t you?” with her slightly parted lips and batting eyelashes. Get over yourself! “She probably found one expression she did well and now just sticks with it,” Bee hypothesized.

Scarlett uses that parted lips expression EVERYWHERE–in that Eternity perfume commercial, on the red carpet, and even in sci-fi movie posters! We get it, you have really thick lips and like to breathe through your mouth.

Yeah, I just didn’t like anybody in this movie and I especially despise Woody Allen for bringing out the true annoyingness of his actors. No one was likable and I wasn’t rooting for anybody. Did Allen mean for it to be like that? I don’t see what purpose that would serve since by the time we got to the twist in the story, we just didn’t care all that much. And speaking of said twist, I won’t give anything away but Chris’ solution to his problem just came out of nowhere. Where’s the psychological buildup?

Oh! And the soundtrack sucked ass, too! I love opera as much as the next girl, especially vintage opera songs, but their use throughout this movie was distractingly alien to the action on the screen making it seem really pretentious.

I just don’t understand how this movie scored a 78% on Rottentomatoes.com. I DO, however, agree with Salon.com when they said, “… from the casting to the dialogue, Match Point just feels pickled in artificiality.”

People applaud Woody Allen for finally getting out of New York and making a movie that so goes against his oeuvre, but after watching this I’m thinking, “Maybe you should just stick with what you know. Neurotic comedies based in Manhattan.”